Teaching

I came to China to teach.  Sometimes I wish that I could live here in China without teaching but then I remember that the whole reason why I am here is so that I can teach English to these Chinese students of mine.  I hope they are learning at least a little bit of English from me but sometimes I wonder...

Teaching is a lot harder than I expected it to be.  I think that every little girl, at some point in their childhood, dreams of becoming a teacher, or maybe it was just me...  I can tell you right now that I am so grateful that I changed my mind and found a different career path.  Don't get me wrong, I really have enjoyed teaching here so far but it comes with its struggles.  I am not cut out to be a teacher.  I am not good at it.  I have free game when it comes to what I want to teach my students and I never know exactly what I should teach and how I should teach it.  I want to challenge them, or else I will lose their attention.  It can't be too hard, or else it is way over their heads.  I want it to be fun so that they enjoy learning but it can't be too fun because then they are just uncontrollable.  Wait, they are always uncontrollable no matter what the lesson is like...  Anyways, I struggle.  Some lessons are better than others.  Whatever I am doing seems to be working and I am getting by just fine but I just wish that I could cater to all of the students.  Sadly, that is not physically possible.  But...

Today was a bad day.  I was a mean teacher.  A very mean teacher.  All I did was yell and shout at them to be quiet and to quit throwing their chair at their neighbor.  I kept having to tell everyone to sit in their seats and to stop getting up every two seconds.  But I was not very nice about it at all.  (No, I did not laugh while I was trying to punish today.  I was seriously angry.)  And now I feel bad about it.  I need to apologize to that class but they didn't even seem to care that I was mad.  They didn't do anything to change their behavior.  I still shouldn't have gotten mad at them like I did.  I should have been more patient and calm but instead I lost it.  Did getting mad and yelling at them make the situation any better?  No.  They didn't stop what they were doing and I didn't feel any better after yelling.

I hope I don't get angry and yell anymore like I did today.  I don't want my students to remember me as their angry foreign teacher that yelled the entire class period.  I want them to remember me for good.  I want to make a difference in these student's lives.  I haven't exactly figured how I am going to go about doing this and I hope that I can figure it out soon because the clock is ticking...

All I know is that I can love them and I can give them a hug.  Who knows, maybe the hug that they get from me is one that has been much needed.  They go days without seeing their mother and sometimes (or all of the time, in my opinion) these little first and second graders need someone to love them.  That is something that I can do even with the language barrier.  I can kiss their hand when they hurt it while they were rough housing between classes.  I can give them all a high five whenever I see them.  I can let them hang on me even if I am about to fall over.  And I can take a few seconds to kneel down and give each of them a hug because, who knows, maybe that is something they need that particular day.

I may not be cut out to be a teacher and I still might not have a clue what I am doing teaching wise, but I am determined to make a difference in these little Chinese kid's life.  They won't remember every lesson I try to teach them but I hope that they learn some English from me.  After all, that is what I have come here to do.  In the end, will they really remember who taught them about the seasons, their five senses, or sports?  No.  But they will remember how I made them feel.  Will I be remembered as the teacher who I was today?  The one who yelled and shouted at them to knock it off and the one who took away every little thing that they could get their little hands on.  Or will they remember me as the teacher who loved them and really cared about them and wanted them to learn?  I hope that it is the latter.  If that is what I want, then I can't be the teacher that I was today.